The bowls came home from our church's spring potluck in a laundry basket in the back of the Pilot, stacked inside each other with the plastic wrap balled up in the top one. Nora unpacked them on the counter like evidence. One was scraped so clean it looked like it had been through the dishwasher. One still had about a third left. One was half full.
I'd signed up for "pimento cheese" on the sheet in the fellowship hall and then couldn't decide whose. So I made three: Granny June's, my mom's and the smoky one Ryan has been tinkering with since last summer. Three bowls, three hand-lettered cards so nobody bit into chipotle by surprise, and a big pan of ice to set them in.
Granny's is the base for all three. Her card in the red box says "1 lb sharp cheese, grated by hand. Duke's to hold it. Jar of pimentos. Pepper. Little onion." The words "by hand" are underlined twice.
Ingredients
- 1 pound block sharp cheddar
- 1/2 cup Duke's mayonnaise, plus a spoonful more if needed
- 1 (4-ounce) jar diced pimentos, drained, plus 1 teaspoon of the juice
- 1 teaspoon grated sweet onion
- 1/2 teaspoon black pepper
- A pinch of cayenne
How I make it
- Grate the cheese on the large holes of a box grater and let it sit 20 minutes. Cold cheese doesn't take the mayonnaise as well.
- Stir the Duke's, pimentos, pimento juice, onion, pepper and cayenne together in a bowl.
- Fold in the cheese with a sturdy fork until it holds together and looks creamy, about a minute. Leave some shreds you can see.
- Cover and chill at least 2 hours, overnight if you can. It's ready when it holds a peak on a cracker and tastes like cheese first and mayonnaise second. Taste for salt now; the cheese usually brings enough.
The why behind "by hand": bagged shredded cheese is tossed with starch to keep the shreds from clumping. That coating keeps the cheese from blending with the mayonnaise, so the spread turns out dry and a little gritty no matter how much Duke's you add. A block you grate yourself softens into the mayonnaise and goes creamy.
I learned the other half of that lesson the hard way. A few years ago I ran the cheese and mayonnaise through the food processor to save five minutes and ended up with a smooth orange paste that looked like it came in a jar. Pimento cheese needs texture. Mix it with a fork.
Mom's and Ryan's
Mom's: Beat 4 ounces of softened cream cheese with 1/4 cup Duke's and 1/2 teaspoon garlic powder, stir in the pimentos, then fold in 12 ounces of finely grated mild cheddar. It's softer and a little tangy, and it spreads on a Ritz without breaking the cracker, which is why every child at a family reunion heads straight for it.
Ryan's: Half smoked cheddar from the deli case at Kroger and half sharp cheddar, Granny's amount of Duke's, a teaspoon of smoked paprika and one chipotle in adobo, minced, with a spoonful of the sauce. He wanted two chipotles. Nora wanted none. I used one and labeled the bowl "smoky, a little hot."
So, the bowls. Granny's came home empty. Somebody figured out it went on the yeast rolls next to the ham, and that was that. Ryan's had a third left, which he took personally until I pointed out that two-thirds of a bowl of chipotle cheese got eaten at a Methodist potluck. Mom's came home half full, and I think I know why: the cream cheese version softened fastest, and by the end it looked tired even on ice. It made excellent sandwiches the next day.
A note for any potluck: anything made with mayonnaise and cheese belongs on ice or in the fridge, and none of it should sit out more than two hours. Ours went out at noon and was back in the cooler by 1:30.
All three bowls came to about $22, with Granny's the cheapest at around $7 because block cheddar was on sale. Pimento cheese keeps four days in the fridge and is better on day two, so I made all three the Friday before. My card behind Granny's now says "April 2025: let it warm 20 minutes, fork not processor." I copied Mom's onto a card too and filed it behind mine. She hasn't asked where it went.
